Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
COCAINE IS GR8
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
