I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
