I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
