Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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