I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
