Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
