Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
