It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
