I wish my penis had an off switch
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
