Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
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You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
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How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
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