Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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