I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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