he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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