i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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