he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
