Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
