If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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