My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
