What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
