I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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