My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
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