Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
