someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
