butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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