he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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