Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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