can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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