She announced her abortion via fbk
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
