Don't make out with my wife yet
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
