I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
