dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Is it penis luge time yet?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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