And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
porn star boner night. come get it.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
