I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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