Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
