This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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