I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
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