at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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