Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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