I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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