I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
