You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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