literally had 100 drinks last night.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Green mimosas i think yes
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
