I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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