is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Randomize
