I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
