No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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