You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
