My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
