I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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