I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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