I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
