Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ