well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
