My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
where are my eyebrows?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
