How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
