I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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