There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
