Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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